For the early development of play and learning, even well-intentioned praise is counterproductive and leads to a dependency on being praised. But why is it so important not to praise or verbally encourage a child when they are engrossed in early play or during a structured Waldon lesson, and not to ‚pedagogically‘ talk them into it? And why do most adults often find it very difficult to understand and get used to this at first and give up praising?
Why adults love to praise
The idea that refraining from praise is so important, and even beneficial, for the child's development comes as a surprise to many and may initially seem puzzling or even unkind to adults who are used to the idea that children like to be praised and that this would help them to learn. Because they themselves love so much the feeling of being able to be nice and communicate their satisfaction to the child, and how good they feel when everything goes smoothly and the child does everything as the adults had imagined. This idea is based on a mechanistic view of human nature and the idea that learning is a kind of mechanical conditioning or programming that is reinforced and strengthened by praise. But a child is not a computer that can simply be programmed, but a human being full of emotions who learns through active physical participation in the world.
Young children learn by enjoying what they do
A toddler's ‘early’ play is biologically designed in such a way that they want to grasp and explore the things in their everyday world with all their senses, without prior knowledge or preconceived expectations. The young child is simply open and curious about everything that could happen. It has no specific goal and is not yet aware of „right or wrong“. Everything he does is good and leads to new experiences, for example when he reaches for things or handles objects. Each of its actions is based on its previous experiences and repeats and builds on what it already knows and can do.
While they are experimenting and „playing around“, unexpected things happen that lead to surprises and new experiences. This is exciting for the child and fuels motivation and interest so that they want to do and try more. These new discoveries then become part of his repertoire of play and understanding about the world of objects, about himself and his body, about ‚how everything works‘. The joy of learning comes from the effort involved in doing and the experiences that the child makes while carrying out the task itself. All for themselves.
What is praise about and what does it achieve?
If the adult now praises or cheers the child effusively, e.g. by applauding or saying ‚Great job!‘, this interrupts the child's flow and shifts the focus from their own multisensory exploration to the adult and their idea of a laudable goal, a worthwhile outcome or an expected achievement. But the young child exploring the world around them has no goal because they are still gaining new experiences and have never had that particular new experience. It will therefore not understand what the adult means and why they are so happy. Because it simply did something, and then something happened, and that was interesting in itself. If the adult praises the child now, they are interfering with the child's actions and their satisfaction with their experiences and their own learning. Instead, he draws the child's attention to himself and his satisfaction as an adult, and asks the child to confirm this. But that's not the point at all!
Praise causes the child to give up their own learning
The child, who likes the adult's tone or satisfaction, is distracted from his own exploration. It therefore shifts its attention to the adult and the adult's social goal or „game“ rather than its own sensory-emotional discoveries, thereby abandoning its own intuitive learning. A child who has been conditioned to do it „right“ and to expect the adult's confirmation is no longer free to experiment with things, try out new ideas or discover further combinations and thus learn from their own experiences. Instead, they become dependent on the adult's praise and are often unable to continue without being praised - or even do nothing at all. In this way, praise hinders self-motivated active learning from experience in dealing with objects, and the development of intrinsic motivation for one's own actions.
Praise evaluates performance, not participation and effort
Praise usually refers to an outcome or achievement, for example when a child who has been taught to build a tower or do a puzzle ‚correctly‘ has learned to perform that particular task. As the adult is pleased that the child has completed the task as he or she had imagined, the child may be happy to repeat the task as a favor to the adult. But it has not learned anything new in the process. This is because repeating a limited task to do the adult a favor contributes little (or nothing) to their general understanding of how the world works and how they themselves can relate to things. This can only develop through active exploration and the active gathering of new experiences, and above all by being allowed to „make mistakes“ and try out the unexpected. If you get it right, you may have satisfied the examiner or passed the exam. But you haven't learned anything new.
Some children are so used to being praised so effusively that they
- try to please the adult
- make their efforts dependent on how satisfied the adult appears to be
- only do something to be praised
- do something to do the adult a favor, not to learn for yourself
The downsides of praise
It is also important to consider how it affects the child if they are not praised even though they expect it. The child then feels confused and perhaps ashamed because they feel they have done something wrong or that the adult is not satisfied or even disappointed in them. They may feel that they have failed a test or not fulfilled an expectation. Such feelings can quickly lead to anxiety and feelings of insecurity. This in turn affects their mood, motivation and self-esteem, and impairs their ability to want to participate and learn.
Striving for rewards or to be praised by others is not an expression of inner motivation, but a learned adaptive behavior. The child's actions are increasingly geared towards fulfilling expectations, pleasing others or being „right“. This shifts the focus from their own actions, feelings and understanding to external evaluation. Learning is then no longer driven by inner interest, but by the desire for controlled external confirmation. This is particularly detrimental to early learning, as independent exploration, perseverance and the joy of repetition only arise when the child acts for themselves. Genuine recognition strengthens this inner orientation - praise often interrupts it and makes it more difficult for the child to learn from within and gain experience.
Being praised often creates difficult feelings
When we are praised, it often feels unpleasant and is accompanied by a feeling of embarrassment or is even embarrassing. This is because praise diverts our attention from our own activities to the evaluation of others. You have the feeling that the other person is not looking at something that you have done from within and out of your own motivation and initiative, but is evaluating it from the outside according to their own criteria. But that's not what you meant. You may feel the recognition, but at the same time you may feel ‚praised‘ and bullied from above, or perhaps even ashamed, humiliated and belittled. Or you are not sure whether this praise is really genuine and comes from the heart, and appreciates your own efforts, - or whether it is actually a kind of flattery and manipulation because the other person got what they wanted so that they can feel good about themselves, and you have the unpleasant feeling of being used for their self-gratification and not being treated as an equal. There is often something exaggerated and inauthentic about this kind of praise, - and behind the celebrating, clapping and applauding there is sometimes a belittling message, - namely: ‚I'm surprised, because I didn't think you could do that!.
Genuine recognition, instead of praise as management tool
Of course, recognition and genuine appreciation are fundamentally important for everyone. They convey the feeling of being seen, taken seriously and respected for who they are, regardless of performance or results. This form of recognition is characterized by the fact that it tactfully and authentically acknowledges the participation and individuality of the child, often with a partner-like, discreet, unexaggerated and mostly non-verbal acknowledgement without ingratiation, such as an appreciative look, nod or facial expression, an appreciative hand on the shoulder or a genuine ‘Thank you‚ or ‘It was fun with you', as perhaps at the end of a Waldon learning unit. Communicated in this way, recognition strengthens relationships and confirms existing competence without overriding the child's inner experience.
